With the owners’ lockout looming over the NFL like a dark cloud, franchises need to come up with alternative solutions for the upcoming season. The 2011 Draft is just around the corner, and if the top college players start to back out, teams will have to look elsewhere to fill their rosters. This sudden turn of events doesn’t leave much time for scouting, so nearby, hometown talent will be at a premium. With that in mind, our good friend Shaggy Lewis presents to you his own literal mock draft, full of “players” who can sell tickets without all that pesky “talent” or “practice” that current NFL players demand.
1. Carolina Panthers – Michael Jordan: Air Jordan will unretire AGAIN but he won’t ever step on the field, taking over as GM because he possibly couldn’t do any worse.
2. Denver Broncos – Tim Allen: Allen’s presence will help keep Tim Tebow on the straight and narrow, in fear that Allen will rat on him for the slightest indiscretion.
3. Buffalo Bills – Bruce Noland: Buffalo will look to “Bruce Almighty” as the franchise’s savior, asking for nothing more than to be sent back in time to the early 90s and a stiff wind at the end of Super Bowl XXV.
4. Cincinnati Bengals – Marge Schott: Despite being 82 and dead, the former Reds’ owner has enough hatred for all of her non-Caucasian opponents to be quite a ferocious tackler.
5. Arizona Cardinals – Stephanie Meyer: Even though the “Twilight” author doesn’t bring much to the playing field, Meyer’s idea to change the franchise’s name to Team Kurt might just be enough to get the former QB to return like a…phoenix.
6. Cleveland Browns – Drew Carey: Although the bespectacled funny man has had a recent weight loss, the Browns are really just hoping opponents will think he is the ghost of Brian Burlsworth, and flee in terror.
7. San Francisco 49ers – Danny Glover: Glover is a low risk investment, as early on in training camp, the 49ers will find out if he’s Pro Bowl quality or simply too old for this (expletive).
8. Tennessee Titans – Dolly Parton: Oh, Tennessee Tit-AN-s. Sorry, I misread that.
9. Dallas Cowboys – Jerry Jones: With QB Tony Romo suffering a broken collarbone, Jones is now free to draft himself and become the team’s owner, GM, head coach, quarterback, scout, and hot dog vendor.
10. Washington Redskins – Barack Obama: Drafting Obama probably won’t lead the Redskins to a Super Bowl, but he can ensure they have the exact same record for the next four seasons.
11. Houston Texans – Chuck Norris: Chuck Norris will not walk to the draft podium. He will simply appear, and suddenly Roger Goodell will have his own concussion problem.
12. Minnesota Vikings – Prince: Minnesota is banking on the 5’2″ Prince sharing work with Adrian Peterson and being able to hide behind the offensive line, undetected by the defense.
13. Detroit Lions – Henry Ford: Detroit will ask Ford to rebuild the Lions and inspire the city, primarily with a offense that hands off 10 times before the last player makes a run for pay dirt.
14. St. Louis Rams – Harry Caray: Embracing its history as a baseball city, St. Louis takes the opportunity to steal Caray back to his original home. Caray will agree to be paid entirely in hot dogs.
15. Miami Dolphins – Horatio Caine: Like an all purpose coach on the field, the crime scene investigator will be able to decode the opponents’ entire game plan with one swab of DNA.
16. Jacksonville Jaguars – D-Von Dudley: Dudley’s history as a professional wrestler means he fits every requirement for the Jaguars: athleticism, at 6’1″ and 280 pounds, and a hyphen, between the D and the V.