With the owners’ lockout looming, NFL franchises need to come up with alternative solutions for the upcoming season. The 2011 Draft is just around the corner, and if the top college players start to back out, teams will have to look elsewhere to fill their rosters. This sudden turn of events doesn’t leave much time for scouting, so nearby, hometown talent will be at a premium. With that in mind, our good friend Shaggy Lewis presents to you his own literal mock draft, full of “players” who can sell tickets without all that pesky “talent” or “practice” that current NFL players demand. Picks 1-16 were made yesterday.
17. Oakland Raiders – Charlie Sheen: In a move so stupid only Al Davis can think it’s a good idea, Oakland will trade all of its 2012 draft picks to get its original first round pick back to pick Charlie Sheen, who will declare himself the king of the NFL and try to steal Tampa Bay’s pirate ship.
18. San Diego Chargers – Ron Burgundy: The Chargers’ confidence will rise and performance will fall as the “Anchorman” replaces all of the sideline Gatorade coolers with scotch.
19. New York Giants – Carl Brutananadilewski: After several disappointing Decembers, the Giants are sure the “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” character and mega Giants fan will bring full intensity to every game, using D cell batteries to his advantage when necessary.
20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Randy Savage: When the Macho Man gets his hands on that football this Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! at Week Thirteen, the madness will run wild as Savage drops a flying elbow from the goalpost. Ohhhh Yeahhh!!!!
21. Kansas City Chiefs –Walt Disney: I know this is a Goofy pick, but KC doesn’t have that Minnie famous people calling it home, Jasmine I’ve never heard of. I’ve Donald the research I could, some Pixar just harder than others. There’s Snow White or wrong answer, although Disney may help bolster the Chiefs’ Ariel attack.
22. Indianapolis Colts – Michael Jackson: Indy’s performance wasn’t Bad last year, but if they Wanna Be Startin’ Something and Beat It this season, they’re going to need a Thriller to Jam the offense and make plays. Also, Billie Jean.
23. Philadelphia Eagles – Kevin Bacon: Bacon will already be familiar with the Eagles’ offense, since Andy Reid coached Brett Favre, who played in 1994 against Dan Marino, who appeared in Bad Boyz II with Michael Shannon, who appeared in The Woodsman with Kevin Bacon.
24. New Orleans Saints – Billy the Exterminator: Billy will raise the football IQ of all of New Orleans’ newfound fans as he explains every play step by step, while simultaneously making Louisiana natives look as dumb as possible.
25. Seattle Seahawks – Bill Gates: Although Gates’ $3.71 billion dollar salary may exceed the salary cap, the Seahawks will have a definitive advantage with all of the light sabers and hover boards at their disposal.
26. Baltimore Ravens – Johnnie Cochran: The Ravens could use Cochran’s legal skills, as they have a history of signing players who have been accused of murder. Hear that, Vick haters? Donte Stallworth and Ray Lewis (allegedly) have killed humans.
27. Atlanta Falcons – Ludacris: If you think TO’s display on the Dallas logo in 2000 was poorly received, just wait to see what Ludacris plans to do at the Georgia Dome 50 yard line during field goal attempts.
28. New England Patriots – Peter Griffin: New England liked what it saw from the “Family Guy” during his brief stint at center in 2006, if only he leaves bringing cars on the field to his nephew Blake in Los Angeles.
29. Chicago Bears – Oprah Winfrey: Win or lose, every fan at every Bears game will find a free iPad and new car keys under their seats.
30. New York Jets – Shaquille O’Neal: O’Neal has all of the physical tools Coach Rex Ryan is looking for: size, strength, and size 23 feet.
31. Pittsburgh Steelers – Dennis Miller: The former Monday Night Football host is best suited for any position besides quarterback, as his drawn out play calls will turn into rants and cause infinite delay of game penalties.
32. Green Bay Packers – Chris Farley: With only the help of a single skinny teammate, Farley will eventually be able to shout, stumble and break things en route to an inevitable painful victory, every single time.
The NFL playoff picture is in focus after yesterday, with all seeds settled and matchups made.
Here’s how it breaks down:
1. New England Patriots (1st round bye and home field advantage) — AFC East Champions and best conference record
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (1st round bye) — AFC North Champions and second best conference record
3. Indianapolis Colts — AFC South Champions
4. Kansas City Chiefs — AFC West Champions
Wild Card Teams — Baltimore Ravens & New York Jets
1. Atlanta Falcons (1st round bye and home field advantage) — AFC South Champions and best conference record
2. Chicago Bears (1st round bye) — NFC North Champions and second best conference record
3. Philadelphia Eagles — NFC East Champions
4. Seattle Seahawks — NFC West Champions (only playoff team with a losing record)
Wild Card Teams: New Orleans Saints and Green Bay Packers
That means this weekend’s matchups follow thusly:
Jets vs. Colts
Ravens vs. Chiefs
Packers vs. Eagles
Saints vs. Seattle
We’re taking Colts, Chiefs, Eagles, and Saints
In round 2, the matchups would be:
Chiefs vs. Patriots
Colts vs. Steelers
Saints vs. Falcons
Eagles vs. Bears
We’ll take Pats, Steelers, Saints, and Bears.
We say the Conference Championship games are:
Steelers vs. Patriots
Saints vs. Bears
And for the all the marbles in Dallas, it will be……………..Chicago vs. New England. That means your world champions (even though no one else plays football as we know it in the world) are:
The New England Patriots
We don’t like it, but never doubt Tom Brady or Bill Belicheck.